i just typed out this huge rant about my life but then God kinda put things into perspective for me…
michael (my brother) is in the hospital. i just got a call from jake (my youth pastor, who michael is in florida with). i don’t want to think about it. i miss him so much. karli’s on her way home right now and she’s going to start crying…i know her too well. i have a feeling i’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. good, i need some me and God time.
“there is a sacredness in tears. they are not the mark of weakness, but of power. they speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. they are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.”—washington irving
discipline is the infliction of pain out of love resulting in redemption and renewal
if you are in “the land in between,” the time of brokenness, emptiness, and hurting, don’t worry. God is right there with you. things may seem rough now, but he’s got you. “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you experience trials of many kinds because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish it’s work so that you may become mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4). God is working to make you the person he has destined you to be. these times of testing are meant to make you great and bring you closer to him. keep on. trust that He has an ultimate plan for you. and pray. He will always listen. just because you ask for something doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but also know that he will listen to his people when they cry out to him. when you’ve come to a speed bump, don’t ask why. you will never be able to figure it out until it is all said and done. just know that his plan for you is perfect. He is bigger than any of your problems. He’ll carry you through it.
“when all is said and done, you are part of me. that’s the way it was meant to be. people are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason. i believe the reason that you and me were brought together was because we complete one another. we fill in each other’s missing spots with love. and if someday God decides to tear us apart, i trust that there is a reason. ‘cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it.”—unknown
i went to the doctor today, and while i was in the waiting room, a couple brought in their kid who was about 3 or 4. he was going on and on about how he was going to buy a car and how he could afford it because he wanted it.
that’s the great thing about kids. they haven’t been corrupted by the world, so they believe everything is possible and let their imagination soar. i love being around kids. they bring so much joy to the world and remind me of how i used to believe the world was a much better place.
Jesus called us to have a childlike faith, meaning we can learn all the things about our faith and about the destructive tendencies of humans but that should not influence the core of our beliefs. my foundations of christian thought professor broke down our beliefs into one simple statement, “Jesus loves me, this i know, for the Bible tells me so.” it’s always good to remind myself of this simple truth. i needed the refresher. thanks, God. you rock.
it’s so funny how tumblr works. it’s like you feel like you’re really close with the people you’re following, but then they aren’t all following you, so you feel like you’re kinda creepy but not really because for some reason it is acceptable online…
“have you ever been in love? horrible isn’t it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…you give them a piece of you. they didn’t ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. i hate love.”—neil gaiman
i just can’t wait until the day God places the man in my life who i am meant to be with, the man who will love me and respect me with all he can, the man who challenges me in my walk with God, the man who guards my heart and purity.
still waiting on the Lord. sure, i’m only 19 but i’m so pissed at men right now. i need my man before i give up entirely. i don’t think i could be a nun because i can’t really pull off wearing things on my head. maybe i’ll become a monk and just be a mute baldy for the rest of my life. that sounds like fun..
it really made me miss biola. i realized how much i actually appreciate my other home :) it is absolutely perfect and i couldn’t ask for anyplace better. the size is perfect. it’s not small like my high school, yet it isn’t too big to the point where i will literally never see half of the people living on campus. i think that’s what makes the biola community so great. we are like one big weird family. i love walking around campus and seeing something odd happen and saying, “only at biola.” there’s such a weird stereotype we all fit into that is just so humorous. i can’t wait till next semester starts and we are reunited! party on, biola style!
for those of you just tuning in, my parents are in the middle of a sudden divorce after 19 years. my dad pretty much decided that my family was too messed up to be fixed so he would rather just get out. since it was so sudden, he hasn’t moved out yet. this week, however, he’s been staying at his sister’s house while her family is out of town. my mother, sister, brother, and myself figured it’d be a good break from him and his bitterness toward us.
the truth is, i really miss my dad. yeah, he seems like a terrible guy (the man physically and verbally abused his kids, took his wife on a roller coaster of emotions for 19 years, and ducks out after all we’ve been through), but you have to remember, he’s my daddy. he was there when i first hit a baseball. he was there when michael went missing. he was there for the father-daughter dances, the report card rewards, the family vacations, the talent shows, the soccer games, the boy-crazy stage, the insecurities, the times when i just needed my dad. the night drake broke up with me, he was the one who held me while i cried and cried.
i hate our relationship now. it’s basically the only time we get along is if we are both in an extraordinarily good mood and neither of us our busy or distracted. our relationship takes a lot of work and effort that neither of us care to put in.
i miss him so much, and so does my mom. she asked me tonight, “do you think it would be ok if i texted your dad and told him i missed him.” poor mommy… i don’t think he knows how much this is hurting us, and we are too proud to show it. i’ve always said i wanted to take my role as ‘daddy’s girl’ back, but i fear it is too late. he’s all but gone and i live in california for eight months out of the year. please God, help us all.
the only thing a man has is his God and his word. that’s it. God never makes mistakes, so God’s name can never be anything but perfect (humans’ perceptions of God may be altered, but that does not change the perfection of His name). but, unfortunately for us, we make mistakes. we have the power to deface our own name. we can choose what kind of person we want to become and whether or not we can be trusted. all too often, trust is given to those who do not deserve it. like how my family trusted that my father would never leave my family, yet here we are in the midst of a divorce. or how i trusted a boy when he told me he would love me forever and haven’t seen much of him ever since. what does a man have, if his word is shot?
earn trust. don’t lie. don’t break promises. don’t you dare make a vow in front of your God and friends and family, and then, after twenty years of commitment and investment and love, decide to walk away.
one of the greatest things i have learned about God is that He NEVER breaks His promises. everything written in the Bible that is promised to us is a GUARANTEE! it’s not just some writing in some old book that doesn’t relate to us now. GOD DOES NOT CHANGE. whatever He promised then is still guaranteed to us now. and this guarantee does not come with exceptions or rules or loop holes. it is a 100% guarantee straight from the mouth of the Lord our God.
“to the outside world we all grow old, but not to brothers and sisters. we know each other as we always were. we know each other’s hearts. we share private family jokes. we remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. we live outside the touch of time.”—clara ortega
“a good writer gives us the illusion that a character is real, but we should also remember that a character is not an actual person but instead has been created by the author. though we might walk out of a room in which huck finn’s pap talks racist nonsense, we would not throw away the book in a similar fit of anger. this illusion of reality is the magic that allows us to move beyond the circumstances of our own lives and into a writer’s fictional world, where we can encounter everyone from royalty to paupers, murderers, lovers, cheaters, martyrs, artists, destroyers, and, nearly always, some part of ourselves.”—the bedford introduction to literature by michael meyer
so i went through some of my old blog posts and i’m realizing how little i’ve posted about God in the past couple of weeks. it’s really sad…it’s as if my relationship with God is put on hold, and i hate it. i miss my closeness with God and the way He would comfort me in my day-to-day. i’m taking more time out for him and praying that i’ll be able to find joy in the Lord in my time away from school. i want to feel his presence again.
It doesn’t seem like that long ago I stopped being a girlfriend and became someone’s wife. Was reading all those books and articles on being the “perfect” girlfriend pointless? Not at all! I learned a lot and it helped lay the foundation for who I am as a wife because the dating relationship is a good indication of what the marriage will be like. But until marriage comes along, what are you supposed to do in a dating relationship? How can you be a godly girlfriend?
1. Be Christ-Centered.
This may seem very basic but it’s the most foundational trait for being a good girlfriend. Any girl that doesn’t have Christ as her center won’t be able to become a godly girlfriend or have a healthy, God-honoring relationship. She’ll be in danger of having her boyfriend become her center, her all, her everything which is honestly, idolatry. Anything coming first in your heart, before Christ, is your god (Deut.11:16).
The greatest command for God’s followers is to love Him with ALL their hearts and souls (Deut. 10:12; Mk. 12:28-30). You must love God foremost before you can truly love a boyfriend or husband.
my wifi has been down for a couple of days but just on my laptop. to get my internet fix for the day, i have been playing words with friends non-stop.
my dad said he would be out of the house by the end of the week…last week…he’s still here. my mom’s in a lot of pain. he’s just playing with her heart and messing with her head. i’ve lost all respect for him.
apparently everyone was under the impression that drake and i were going to “rekindle the flame.” i set them straight.
my sister and i have been bonding over our love for harry potter and wiz khalifa.
michael won’t leave his room. i think he’s spent more time playing black ops than sleeping this entire summer.
nicole left today :( she’ll be in africa for 3 weeks. now i won’t have anyone to make fun of.
forrest (my best friend) keeps lying to me…and it sickens me because i can always tell when he’s lying but i don’t ever call him out on it. oh and he confessed his love for me the other day but i told him it’d be like dating my brother. things aren’t awkward at all.
God and i are just kinda so-so right now. i need to take more time out for Him.
"we continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit give, so that you may live in a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. for he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." colossians 1:9-14
prayer is an extremely powerful thing. can you imagine the answer to this prayer? can you imagine the way our world could be changed?