after a hard day of family fighting and stressful tee ball (…?), nothing relieves my soul like my one-on-one time with God. all day today, i’ve heard references to psalm 23 so, of course, i decide to spend some time studying it. little did i know, the lyrics to one of my favorite christian songs are embedded in david’s psalm. these words really mean a lot to me with everything going on in my family:
the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
even though life doesn’t seem ideal right now, i will not be afraid, for my great Shepherd is with me. He is always guiding me to places of blessing, even when the road along the way seems rough. He blesses me with more than i could ever imagine. i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. how awesome is our God!?
this tee-ball job is stressful! i had my second game today with a team that loved to argue calls, cuss at their players, and bad mouth the umps at any chance they got. i was literally having a panic attack in the outfield. i know for sure i called some bad calls, but i was so extremely stressed out by the entire situation. its fricken tee-ball…the kids are 9…everybody calm down and stop yelling at the only girl umpire on the field. thanks…
on the bright side (or not so bring side but i love it anyways), it’s storming outside!
brent, emily, and karla came over tonight to continue our tradition of pants parties in which we all get together, wear pants, and watch a movie. a little queer, yes, but it’s the type of situations i just love. the great thing about small towns is the quality people that live there. these kids are three of my best friends and i am so blessed to have them in my life. each one of them is special to me in different ways.
brent is so sensitive even though he puts on a macho front. his sensitive side is exactly like mine. we can talk about anything and have the same opinion on the matter. the best is when one is in an exaggerated mood (like tonight he was in a good mood and i was just so-so) and we can bring the other person up and give the other person hope on love and life.
emily and i have the same goofy sense of humor. she can make me laugh at the stupidest things just because they are coming out of her mouth. her love for God astounds me too. she has had a rough life, but you would never know it because she shines with Christ’s love.
karla is my best friend, not only because she is the weirdest person i have ever met, but also because she is real. she is always the same, even in her hard times. we can get each other out of any bad mood. i love her so much and i am so happy i adopted the little newbie on the swim team her freshman year! we’ve been best friends ever since and i can’t wait to see where God takes her in life.
i am the thorn in Your crown, but You love me anyway. i am the sweat from Your brow, but You love me anyway. i am the nail in Your wrist, but You love me anyway. i am judas’ kiss, but You love me anyway.
see now, i am the man that called out from the crowd for Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground. yes then, i turned away with this smile on my face. with this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace. and then, alone in the night, i still called out for You. so ashamed of my life, my life, my life
1 Samuel 2:3 "Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the LORD is a God who knows, and by him deeds are weighed.”
Proverbs 8:13 To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.
Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
Proverbs 13:10 Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.
Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 29:23 A man’s pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor.
Ecclesiastes 7:8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.
Isaiah 2:11 The eyes of the arrogant man will be humbled and the pride of men brought low; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.
Obadiah 1:3 The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’
2 Corinthians 12:20 For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.
at this point in life, i’ve already experienced love…and heartbreak…but it was with a non-Christian. the thing i look forward to the most in my future endeavors is finding a man (“mature and complete not lacking anything” james 1:4) with a passion for Christ. i want to fall in love, in Christ. i need a man who wants to guard my purity and my heart. i want a man who can challenge me spiritually and lead me through it all, in Christ.
men - i challenge you to be spiritual leaders in your relationships. if you are struggling with your physical desires, talk to her. set boundaries that are unselfish. keep her as far away from sex as you can possibly make them. always treat her as if she is not yours until the day you two become one and vow to spend eternity together.
ladies - put your flippin’ clothes on. i was very unaware of just how much guys are challenged until that same desire caught me off guard. lust is a tricky thing, and it is your job to help your brothers in Christ and ensure their purity as well. they will respect you more and it will prevent an attraction based on physical needs, but rather their attraction to the light of Christ shining in you. support him in his spiritual walk and allow him to lead you.
and for all you single men and women out there - you are the luckiest of them all. God is at work and has a plan for you and your possible future wife or husband. you don’t have to worry about finding them or putting in the effort to impress the opposite sex. whoever He has planned will be attracted to you because of the way He designed both of you. your singleness is a gift from God. it is a time where you and God get to have that intimate relationship, where you can work on becoming that perfectly “mature and complete” person that God has created you to be. think about it, when in your life will you ever be able to be one on one with God without anyone else to support as well? and if you already feel like you’ve waited too long and you should have your other half right now, perhaps they aren’t ready. God is at work here. He knows what you need and He knows that if they threw you into a relationship with that other person, it wouldn’t last. so be patient. wait on the Lord. His plan is perfect.
So, let’s get to the point. 1 Timothy 2:11-15. I’ve asked all of my youth leaders about this passage and what do they give me? Nothin’. They tell me that it’s out of context, but refuse to elaborate. I love my youth leaders but whenever I ask them…
every time i come home, it feels like i never left; as if i feel asleep one day, woke up the next, and everything in between was just a dream. it seems like nothing should be different, yet months have gone by and people have completely changed from the those i once knew.
today i visited my ex-boyfriend at work and, i must say, love is blind…and has a pretty dang thick filter on it. it was kind of sad actually. he’s a lot different from the guy i dated…it was as if he was corrupted by the world. i sat there and listened to his conversation with his co-worker about an instance when he was driving drunk and was so disgusted with myself. i gave my heart to this boy. i poured everything into him, invested my time, my energy, my money, my last summer at home. it was really sad, but i realized how much of a waste it all was. he’s not worth it, not at all.
guys at biola are a lot different than the guys around here. i hate to say it, but many of the guys i went to high school with are not going anywhere in life. illinois doesn’t have a lot to do so pretty much everyone smokes or drinks. slim pickin’ in these parts…guess i won’t be living in illinois after all…i won’t really have a family to go home to anyways…
oh btw my mom gave up. she turned in her part of the divorce papers on tuesday.
seriously though, we wouldn’t spend so much time getting ready every morning or spend so much money on clothes and everything. think of how much time we spend in front of the mirror each morning in ratio to the rest of a day. i average about sixteen hours awake per day. in that time, i spend about an hour getting ready, not to mention the time i work out to stay in shape. that is one sixteenth of my day, aka one sixteenth of the time i can spend making a difference in the world! instead, here i sit, making sure every piece of hair is in place and every lash is curled just right. stupid vanity. stupid social acceptance. stupid insecurities.
the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. consider what a great forest is set on by a small spark. the tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. it corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. it is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. my brothers and sisters, this should not be.
i need to stop posting things that a require an immediate apology
i was very negative in that last post…i’m just very frustrated with this place.
God is great, food is good, and people are crazy.
how about i end on an actually positive note for tonight: i went to church with my family yesterday and my sister, mother, and i were all raising our hands in worship together. now that’s what true christian families are all about: living, loving, and praising the Lord as a family. tears of joy started welling up because, even though life’s been really hard for all of us, there we all stood praising our awesome, amazing, all-powerful God together.
don’t underestimate the healing and redeeming power of our God.
there is a war going on in my family. my dad is under the impression that there are sides to this divorce and hates on everyone who isn’t on his. well, since i haven’t been home, i apparently haven’t taken a side, thus everyone is trying to convince me to agree with them. my grandma called me today and instead of welcoming me home or making small talk at all, she opened by telling me all about her side of the story, my mom and sister have been going on and on about how terrible life is ever since i got home, and my dad paid me $500 for summer school because “we’re a family and that’s what we do for each other” only for me to later find out that he needed to put an amount on the divorce papers for how much he’s paid for education. yeah, i guess that is what this family does for each other. he’s been sucking up to me, buying me my favorite cereal, offering to take me to dinner, etc. unfortunately for him, i think this entire thing is stupid and they either need to end it or decide to put it all behind him (highly unlikely, i know, but i’m sick of all this fighting).
cry counts in the 48 hours i’ve been home: karli: 1 (because my dad was being so nice to me and hasn’t paid attention to karli since the day she was born) mom: 2 (because she is always being blamed for everything that goes wrong even though my dad’s the one who is fighting this whole thing unfairly) me: 3 (because i want to go back to my real home where people actually love each other, biola university)
seriously, get me out of here. all i hear is fighting and bad mouthing and complaining and all the things that families shouldn’t do. some “christian” family, eh?
oh, and my grandma apparently called karli the other day and was yelling at her and bashing my mom. she isn’t attending her graduation this saturday, nor is she speaking to her. conditional love (all too prevalent in my family) is not love at all, in case anyone was wondering.
on the up side though, forrest is taking me to a preview of the last harry potter movie two weeks before it releases :) my friends are all that is going to get me through the summer. that and sno bizz.
“the great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one’s “own” or “real” life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one’s life.”—c.s. lewis
it’s my last night as a college freshman and i am so sad to be leaving :( this year has gone by so quickly! biola has completely changed me in every way. at the beginning of this school year, i was completely depressed, delirious, love-sick, lonely, hateful, and pessimistic about everything. i didn’t want to grow up. i didn’t want to go to college. i didn’t want to leave home and a boy who i was head over heels in love with. but with this change in life, i became a different person. God broke down the walls i had been building up for 18 years of my life. He gave me the courage and the ability to trust, and, with that, some of the strongest friendships i could have ever dreamed of.
i am so thankful to all the girls on legacy. i am seriously crying right now (another side-effect of God breaking down my walls - i pretty much cry all the time because everything tugs on my heart - who knew my tear ducts and heart were so closely connected??). you girls are all amazing. i was such a disaster last semester. thank you for accepting me despite my flaws and poor attitude. you all have shown me the love of Christ in ways you can’t even imagine. i am so grateful that God put you in my life and i am going to miss all of you. see you in three months! i can’t wait to see what God has in store!
1. Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are 2. B.O.B. feat. Bruno Mars - Nothing On You 3. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy 4. Britney Spears - Hit Me, Baby, One More Time 5. Jason Derulo - In My Head 6. Justin Timberlake - My Love 7. Lady Gaga - Just Dance 8. Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love 9. Ne-Yo - So Sick 10. Michael Jackson - Black Or White 11. Snoop Dogg - Sexual Eruption 12. Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger 13. Taylor Swift - Fifteen 14. Taylor Swift - Fearless 15. Savage Garden - The Animal Song 16. Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs